The Courts Are Slammed During the Holidays
Every year as the holidays get close, the courts are already booked, judges are on vacation, and in many cases the courthouse is closed for parts of the season. What parents see as an “emergency” around holiday time-sharing often does not meet the court’s legal definition of an emergency, and even if it does, there may be no room on the court’s calendar to hear it in time. When you wait until December to ask the court to fix a holiday problem, there is a very good chance you will not get a hearing, and the holiday will be over before anything can be done.
Because of this, it is very important to start early. That means speaking to the other parent in advance with options and solutions, making sure you are both on the same page about what the parenting plan says, and trying to reach an agreement without court intervention if possible. If you cannot agree, you want to have time to send a letter to see if the issue can be settled, attempt to negotiate, file a motion, have a meet and confer with opposing counsel, attend mediation if required, schedule and attend a hearing, and receive the order — all before the holiday time-sharing dispute passes. This is why you should contact your attorney 2–3 months in advance, not a few weeks before the holiday. Early action gives you options; waiting can leave you and your children stuck in a stressful situation with no remedy.
The Hidden Stress of Holiday Planning on Children
Holidays should be fun for children — no school, fun events, and time with family and friends. But when parents are separated, sudden schedule changes and conflict can turn that fun into stress very quickly. Children like stability, knowledge, and no stress/conflict. They often plan and look forward to their holiday time for weeks, and when parents argue or change things at the last minute, it affects their mood, their emotions, and their mental state. The feelings of stress, anxiety, and despair do not just go away because the argument is over; it can ruin the entire holiday for them.
This is especially true for a special needs child, who may need more stability, clear structure, and prior information if something is going to change. If they are not given that, it can cause a serious mental and emotional struggle. Common disruptions include early wake-ups to accommodate a last-minute exchange, canceled plans, lost traditions, canceled time with friends and family, lack of sleep from overhearing fighting, and being put in the middle or asked to take sides. Children can end up dealing with adult issues they are not ready for, and this emotional strain can even cause physical symptoms like stomach pain and headaches.
Children may feel loss, despair, anxiety, depression, and a sense of being in the middle of a dispute they did not create. That is why it is so important for parents to put the children’s needs first and not focus on “winning” holiday time. Children want to be stress-free, to love and enjoy both of their parents, and not feel the emotional and mental struggle of their parents’ issues. A parent’s desire to “win” can cause long-term mental, emotional, physical, and relationship problems for the child, even into adulthood. A child who should be enjoying life and having fun can become anxious, depressed, and miserable — and feel unstable or even unsafe — if holidays always mean conflict.
Communication Is Key — With Co-Parents and Children
Proactive communication with your co-parent helps prevent holiday chaos because it allows time for a plan, options, and solutions — and if needed, court intervention — before the crisis point. When you talk early and clearly, you are less likely to be surprised by disagreements in the middle of the holiday season when it is much harder to fix them.
Parents should make holiday decisions by putting the children’s needs first, and then share the final plans with the children after both parents confirm they agree. This way, children are not caught between competing ideas or promises. They simply receive a clear plan they can rely on, and that reduces their stress and anxiety.
When discussing holiday schedules, it can help to meet in a public place, because it gives both parents a pause before yelling or being rude. Come prepared with options, dates, times, and a specific schedule to discuss with the other parent, along with reasons why you are asking for certain arrangements for the children. Think about the other parent’s perspective and whether their proposal might actually be better for the child. If it is a high-conflict situation, have your parenting plan with you and review it together to be sure you both understand it the same way. If you still cannot agree, see your parent coordinator if you have one. If that still does not work, then you may need to file a motion timely for court intervention after you have tried to effectively co-parent.
It is also very important to avoid behaviors that put children “in the middle.” This means not discussing the problems or options in front of them, to them, around them, or letting others (like relatives) do so. Co-parent with the other parent only — not with step-parents or extended family. Consider what you know your child would truly like to do, and respect traditions they love and would not want to miss. Do not tell your children what they will be “missing” at your home because they have to go to the other parent’s home. That type of guilt and pressure makes holidays painful instead of joyful.
Your Parenting Plan Is the Place to Start
Before the holidays, parents should carefully review their parenting plan so they know exactly what it says about holiday time-sharing. You want to know what the default is if there is no resolution to a conflict, and whether there are clear guidelines about dates, times, and exchanges. If something is not clear, try to create clarity in advance, understanding that any changes you make may affect you in the alternate year when the schedule switches. Also remember that, when both parents agree, you can deviate from the parenting plan if that is what is best for your children.
Many misunderstandings come from holiday provisions that say the parties “will agree” to time-sharing but give no specifics. Common issues include no start or end time, no exchange location, strict exchange times when there are flights involved (even though parents cannot control delays), or scheduling exchanges in the middle of the actual holiday, right in the middle of festivities. All of this creates stress and confusion.
If your parenting plan language is unclear or outdated, you should review it far enough in advance to fix it. For simpler issues, you may be able to create an addendum, file it, and have it ordered to clarify what does not work for you both now. For more significant problems, you may need to file a Modification (if it meets the legal burden) so that the parenting plan works better in the long run. This is not a quick fix, but it can prevent repeated problems in future years caused by unclear or outdated language. When the plan is clear and written out, it serves as a guideline for what should happen and how the plans should occur, which greatly reduces last-minute disputes.
Steps to Take to Adjust Your Parenting Plan Before the Holidays
Step 1: Communicate and try to agree in writing
Communication should be in person and in a public place if here are issues between the parents, this keeps heated discussions down. This meeting should not be last minute as one parent may need reflection time before making a decision.
Step 2: File a motion with the court
If you have a dispute and it cannot be resolved via shared parenting or via a parent coordinator instead of continuing to argue, have a court determine what is best under the circumstances if you have a valid legal claim.
Step 3: Attend mediation
If you are able to recognize a few months in advance that there is an issue, a mediation will help you facilitate a resolution, if it is far enough in advance due to scheduling all of the necessary participants. Come prepared with options and the “why” for the “no” to your co-parent’s options to explain why that option will not be best for the children.
Step 4: Schedule a hearing if mediation fails
You should file in advance of the holidays to give time for a court to have availability on the calendar, and that it will coincide with your schedule and your attorney’s schedule. Have a proposed solution and a good explanation as to why your co-parents options are not in the best interest of the children.
Step 5: Finalize changes and inform the children
Once you have an agreement or a court order (your child should not know which just that there is a solution) tell them the plans so they know in advance what is happening. Knowledge and planning helps reduce anxiety and stress and make them feel more safe and secure. Let them believe there was an agreement (even if it was a heated battle) so they do not feel in the middle and do not feel sorry for the parent they are not with at the time.
Putting the Children First This Holiday Season
Putting children first during the holidays means communicating with your co-parent, putting the children’s needs before your own, and supporting your child’s relationship with the other parent. Let them know you believe they will have a GREAT time with the other parent, and that you cannot wait to hear all about the fun they had when they come back. This gives them permission to enjoy both homes without guilt.
Even if you and the other parent do not get along, you can still model respect and cooperation. Discuss hard issues in a public place if that helps keep things calm. Put everything in writing so you both know what was decided and are on the same page. Always think of the children and their needs before your own emotions or frustrations.
A peaceful holiday season for children usually involves two parents who try their best to get along, support each other as parents, and put the children FIRST. When parents keep the focus on the children’s well-being, holidays can be a fun break from school and daily stress — not another source of family drama over time-sharing issues. Your children deserve a holiday filled with joy, stability, and love, not conflict and confusion.
Contact Schwam-Wilcox & Associates
If you need assistance with navigating time-sharing or creating a Parenting Plan (temporary or final), the attorneys at Schwam-Wilcox & Associates can assist you with those needs and help you prepare before the holidays arrive.
