Dissolution (divorce) is a challenging time in your life. You may feel lost, scared, nervous about the future, or many other emotions as an adult. This rollercoaster of emotions, including possessiveness, protectiveness, or even a lack of patience with your children, is amplified when you are dealing with the stress of a dissolution. Children cannot process change and information the same way an adult can.
No two families are the same. You’re allowed to figure out how you want to co-parent your children, create a parenting plan, and decide your time-sharing and shared parental responsibilities. Assistance from a qualified attorney can help guide you into determining the best interests for your children and yourself.
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What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting refers to the relationship between former spouses/partners and their ability to work together to raise their children. This term is not referring to if you are your child’s parent 50% or 100% of the time.
While co-parenting is a form of parenting, it is a skill that requires thoughtful and consistent efforts by both parents to develop, this is difficult when the parents do not get along; however, it is crucial for the children to maintain the feeling of stability and support.
5 Co-parenting Tips
- Your children’s needs must come first – You cannot allow your prior relationship issues to affect your relationship with your children. Before you act, ask yourself how your children will perceive you. Love your children more than you dislike your former partner.
- Find an effective communication strategy that works best for your family – Face-to-face communication may be too emotional when you are newly divorced or separated. Communication via text messages, e-mails, or even a co-parenting app such as Talking Parents may be a more effective alternative. There are co-parenting apps that help to categorize conversations or monitor the tone between parents.
- Do not disparage your former partner to your children or allow others to disparage your former partner to or in the presence of your children – Studies show disparaging your co-parent in front of your children is detrimental to their development. Children often see themselves as a combination of both parents, and if you disparage their other parent, you may make your child feel insecure. If you need to vent, call friends, your parents, or a therapist outside of the presence of your children.
- Recognize the importance of your children having a positive relationship with both parents – Even though you ended your romantic relationship with your former partner, it is undeniable that it is valuable for children to have an opportunity to know and spend time with both parents. YOU chose to end the relationship, the children did not. The children still need and want both parents in their lives and they do not want to feel that they are in the middle.
- Forgive yourself and your former partner – Even though the divorce/separation rate is about 50%, nobody commences a relationship thinking they will get a divorce/separation. So, forgive yourself and your spouse for whatever role you each played in your relationship ending. Therapy is a powerful tool for self-healing, and during this difficult time, we encourage our clients to utilize this tool to get them through this situation.
Deciding where your child resides
Guardian Ad Litems (a party that is a friend to the court to let the child have a voice) can be appointed to assist the court in determining what the best time-sharing arrangement would be in a specific case. The Guardian is not to report only on what the child wants but also that the Guardian ad Litem believes is in the best interest of the children. After the Guardian ad Litem completes an investigation which includes interviewing witnesses, the parents and the children, they will prepare a Report and Recommendations which will share what the Guardian ad Litems believes is in the best interest of the children as it relates to parenting issues.
Parenting Plans
Most courts prefer that the parents themselves, with or without the help of an attorney, agree upon a parenting plan. The reasoning is that parents know what is best for their individual families. However, when the parties cannot agree, the Court will make the ultimate decision as to what the best time-sharing arrangement is after hearing testimony and reviewing evidence.
Parenting plans, when used as a legal term, refer to contracts between parents regarding the care of their children. It is required for a court to authorize a divorce or final judgment in a paternity action. Parenting plans are also referred to as “custody agreements,” although Florida does not utilize the term “custody” anywhere in the statutes (chapter 61).
Parenting plans typically address all issues dealing with every aspect of the children’s lives. Plans range from weekly time-sharing arrangements to who does what if the child is home sick from school. Some parents use the parenting plan as a bible’ other parents use it as a plan “B” if they cannot agree on raising the children.
A Parenting Plan It is required for a court to enter the final judgment for a divorce or a paternity action. When parents cannot come to an agreement on a parenting plan, the court will order the terms of the parenting plan for the parents based on their experience with, and knowledge of, the parents (which is limited to the time they are in court). The parenting plan endered by a court is not always what is best for the family, but it is what is what the judge thinks is best based on the limited information provided during a trial.
Time-sharing and Parental Responsibilities
In the past, the term “custody” would encompass all aspects of a child’s relationship with both parents after a divorce or paternity action. In a Florida Courtroom, you will not hear the term “custody.” You will hear “higher percentage of time-sharing.” Presently, time-sharing refers to time allotted with the child(ren) for each parent. Parental responsibility is about decision-making by each parent concerning the child’s life.
Florida has attempted to avoid labels that make one parent appear more important than the other. However, this terminology change becomes confusing when you move to another state or have federal issues involved. Knowing the differences between these terms in a custody dispute for your children may be useful in court.
Terminology
Time-sharing refers to a custody arrangement in which divorced or separated parents share the responsibility and time spent with their children. It involves dividing the child’s time between both parents, allowing each parent to have specified periods of physical custody. Time-sharing ensures the child’s well-being by promoting continued contact and involvement with both parents.
On the other hand, parental responsibilities encompass parents’ duties and obligations towards their children, including providing for their physical, emotional, and educational needs. This involves making decisions about the child’s upbringing, health care, education, and general welfare. Parental responsibilities are often legally defined and are typically shared between both parents, even if they are not living together.
“Designation for Other Legal Purposes” is a legal concept required in Florida agreements to ensure that there are no enforcement issues in other bodies of law or different states that grant “custody” or assign one parent as the “primary residential parent.”
The court will determine which parent may take the primary physical responsibility of the child(ren) based on what is in the child’s best interest (see the statutes for a complete list of factors). If the judge orders time-sharing and parental responsibility (this is what is ordered in most cases), the parents must jointly make decisions for the benefit of the minor children.
All of these terms and what they really mean can become confusing. You must be careful when using these terms, as they all mean something different, although you may think it is the same.
Be mindful of what you say
Divorce or parent separation (paternity) is hard enough on adults; however, the children need both parents to work hard on reducing change and stress to the children’s lives. The damage parents can do to their children can be irreparable and can be avoided. Ill feelings and betrayal or the anger you feel toward your spouse may make it a bit easier to say bye-bye. However, your minor children usually do not have those same feelings about their other parent.
Speaking poorly in the presence of the children about their other parent is never a good idea. You have to work hard to shield your children from divorce (or paternity) issues. Children need to have love, respect, and feel “at home” with both parents.
You should do your very best to shield your child(ren) for the arguments you may have with their other parent. Telling them how much child support you pay or refusing to let them participate in an activity they love is not in the best interest of your child. Your client is not a confidant that you share information with about their other parent, you should shift conversations reminding the child that adults will deal with the adult issues and the children do not have to worry about those topics. Children should never feel that if they enjoy being with one parent that they are betraying the other parent. The children’s lives are going to be turned upside down, so to keep whatever issue in their live stable would be the biggest benefit to the children (staying in the marital home, not changing schools, continuing to participate in their activities, not having the concept of MOM’s time or DAD’s time, etc.
Holiday time-sharing
When co-parents are no longer together, the holiday season can present some challenges. The stereotypical image of a cohesive family unit often overshadows the desire to create the best holiday experience for the entire family. However, just because you and your former partner are no longer romantically involved doesn’t mean you can’t have a joyful and stress-free holiday season.
Implementing a few strategies can create a more seamless co-parenting approach during the holidays. Remember, both of you are doing this for the well-being and happiness of your children. Putting aside arguments and focusing on their needs will go a long way toward successful holiday co-parenting. Here are two essential aspects to consider:
- Review Your Parenting Plan
- Remain Flexible
Review Your Parenting Plan
When you initially created the agreement, you likely worked with a lawyer or mediator who considered your state’s custody laws and the specific dynamics of your family. While changes and last-minute requests may arise, use your original custody agreement as a foundation.
Your parenting plan typically includes provisions for alternate dates, holidays, and other important aspects of co-parenting. Before the holiday season gets busy, take the time to double-check the schedule outlined in your agreement. Reviewing your parenting plan allows you to refresh your memory regarding the specific details and commitments agreed upon.
Remain flexible
While your parenting plan may cover many scenarios, it’s impossible to anticipate every potential situation that may arise. Being prepared for unexpected circumstances and willing to adapt to changes as they occur will help you navigate the holiday season and minimize stress for everyone involved, including your children.
- Be Open to Compromise: It’s important to approach holiday planning with a mindset of compromise. Understand that both parents have valuable traditions, priorities, and commitments, and try to find solutions that balance those interests. Alternate holidays, splitting time equally, or adjust the schedule if one parent’s family has a special tradition on a particular day.
- Communicate Holiday Plans in Advance: Begin discussing holiday plans several months before the holiday season. Establish clear expectations about the days and times each parent will have with the children. Address any potential conflicts early to allow time for negotiation and compromise. Document any decisions you make to ensure clarity for both parties. This proactive approach can help minimize last-minute disagreements and ensure that everyone knows what to expect. Early communication also allows time to resolve unforeseen issues, such as travel plans or family commitments.
- Anticipating Issues: While your custody agreement may address winter break considerations and last-minute change requests, acknowledge that school breaks can fluctuate and holiday events may bring uncertainty. The agreement may outline that each parent gets a portion of the winter break, but specific dates or days may not be specified. Allocated holidays can intersect with the winter break schedule.
- Embrace the Unexpected: Holidays are often filled with numerous activities and time constraints. It’s common for things to deviate from the original plan, and that’s okay. Embrace the unexpected and be open to adjusting your schedules or plans as needed.
Gift-Giving and Holiday Activities
Talking with your co-parent about holiday gifts and activities upfront can make things run more smoothly. From a legal standpoint, putting these discussions in writing helps reduce misunderstandings and makes it easier to resolve potential conflicts. Coordinating gift plans avoids duplication and ensures your child has a consistent experience. Competitive gifting only leads to tension, so it’s best to keep the focus on your child’s happiness. Consider dividing holiday events so that both parents can create special memories. Having a clear paper trail of your agreements can help if disputes arise down the road.
“When you’re going through your worst, we are at our Best”
Let the kids be kids and have two happy parents, not two feuding parents who use all of their college funds on legal fees. If you struggle to co-parent with your former partner, our attorneys at Schwam-Wilcox & Associates can assist you with:
- Navigating the legal jargon to be sure you understand what you are actually asking for in your domestic case;
- Serve as guardian at litem to assist in facilitating a parenting plan for your family;
- Taking your case through the collaborative process to teach you tools to co-parent your children even after the divorce is final;
- Support through a tough litigation matter;
- Parenting Coordination services;
- Mediation, as an attorney advocating for you or as the mediator facilitating an agreement; and
- Much more…
We serve the the state of Florida including the Orlando area and The Villages with offices in Altamonte Springs. Contact Schwam-Wilcox & Associates to schedule a consultation to discuss methods to improve your co-parenting dynamic. “When you’re going through your worst, we are at our Best”
